There were a few reasons why I decided to start writing this blog.
- I like to write and I wanted to create a habit of doing so
- I’m seeking to increase my presence on the internet (and I really am not a fan of social media)
- I want to have a place to track things I’ve learned (or am learning) as well as my thoughts/feelings for reflection at a later date
- I want to hopefully share something of value to anyone (which I suspect is nobody at the time of writing) who finds interest reading about life and technology
When I started this a few weeks ago, I had the intention of sharing things that might interest others. But today, I’m really interested in just writing a bit about how I’m feeling. If anyone does come across this ever, maybe you’ll find it boring. But today what I’ll be writing will be for me. To lift a weight off of my chest.
I’m constantly thinking about self-improvement. I really want to be “the best version of myself” (slowly realizing I don’t have a clue what that means). I want to be more effective, spend more time being productive, have healthy habits, improve my cognitive, emotional and physical health. I want to improve my finances. I want to be very intentional about how I spend my time. I really just don’t want to waste my life.
In recent months, I’ve been gaining a lot of traction on improving myself. We defined a more strict budget a home, I’ve been lifting weights at least 5 days per week, running 5-10 miles per week, reading on a regular basis. I was meditating every morning for 10-15 mins for at least 6 weeks. I’d read a book about anxiety which really helped me to battle mine (or at least understand it better… I’ve been dealing with anxiety since long before psychologically invasive smart phones existed).
Building and maintaining these positive habits has been really valuable for me. But also, sometimes I just lose motivation. Some days I just don’t feel the strength to be super creative and productive and run and lift and eat healthy and get a ton of shit done. Some days I just don’t even want to think about any of that stuff. Some days I just think that all of it is worthless so what’s the point of doing all that. I’m so focused on being productive to what end? So that when I finally make it to my grave, I will be able to get more done than if I hadn’t focused on my productivity?
Maybe these thoughts and feelings are a bit morbid, but that’s how I feel sometimes. I guess a big part of it is that I don’t feel like I’m doing what I really want to be doing with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I find writing software to be very interesting and I love building things and solving problems. It’s definitely one of the few ways I can reach a flow state and lose track of time. I think the problem with how I currently operate is really 2-fold. First, I want to build stuff that’s solving problems which are useful or interesting to me. Second, I really don’t like the rat-race that is the grind of trying to get hired as a software developer by big tech firms. I’ve decided recently that I’m going to pursue building things that I care about to solve problems that I face in my life. At least if I’m doing that, I can find a way to build momentum and motivation to make tools the best that they can be for me. If I’m doing that, then maybe software development will feel less empty for me. Plus, I feel like I keep reading, listening & absorbing this concept from people that I look up to in the product-build space. Maybe I’ll never build anything great, but I sure as hell won’t allow myself to give up on something before ever trying. What’s that term Jeff Bezos coined, “Regret minimization framework”? I definitely have no desire to build the next Amazon, but maybe I can build something worthwhile.